The past two weeks after returning from our vacation I felt somehow disappointed, down and even worthless. I was in deep doubt about my ability to continue with the free time, my self chosen sabbatical.
A blanket of self doubt, disappointment and even a hint of feeling depressed threw me out of balance. In my head it constantly was repeating itself not being good enough or strong enough to deal with this freedom, that I could not live up to my ideas and plans.
Until a darmah talk offered itself to me and I started to understand what it is I have to work with.
My own expectations.
Ones own expectations are mostly so high and so demanding that it would require a superman or -woman to fulfill them.
While I was planing my sabbatical I had all these shiny sparkly success stories in my head, how I would be (forgetting the process of becoming) the perfect painter, how I would host a famous exhibition and so on.
In short, I always envisioned the time spend as a Hollywood success story, being happy all the time and indulging in self expression.
What I did neglect was the process of doing so and the reality of evolution, that nothing comes out perfect just from the thought. I neglected the process of growing and learning, of trial and failure, the process of live.
AND I was not aware of my limitless expectation on how perfect everything has to turn out.
This expectation is what holds me back, what does not let me start in the first place. I am so much caught up in how the finish product has to look like or has to be, that I do not dare to start because knowing that the result will be far away from perfect and less or different from what I expect it to be.
This talk helped me to understand why there is/ was that huge resistance which did hold me back.
Now it is time to minimize my expectations and slowly let go of them more and more. It is time to expect a beginners mind and a beginners result. It is time to find joy within the process of doing and creating instead of being focused on a result.
I am looking forward to the following week to test this new found insight…